The Thick of It
by dinodares314
Summary: In a government filled with incompetence, one man must keep everything running as smoothly as possible. His name: Malcolm Tucker. His tools: yelling and what we would call 'violent sexual imagery'. God help Vale. Based on the character from the TV show 'The Thick of It.' Rated M for very coarse language. Kids, don't try this at home.


"Morning Indigo." The petite woman looked up from her desk as a man in a work suit and tie walked in through the door. He walked past her desk to his desk on the other side of the room. "How's your morning going?" He set his suitcase down on the floor next to his desk and logged into his computer.

"Good, thanks Minister." She returned his smile and quickly reviewed the week's calendar. She quite liked him, he was far better than the other imbeciles who had assigned to this ministry. "You'll want to know your schedule then?"

"That would indeed be excellent." The minister started typing out an email.

Indigo ran her eyes down the list. "Well, first you have to go to the 8 o'clock with the Department of Social Affairs and the Treasury to talk over the ' _Healthy Hearts for Healthy Minds'_ program and its impacts."

The minister's typing stopped and he groaned. "Shit, that's today? Can't we postpone it again?"

"With all due respect sir, this department is becoming the butt of a joke with the number of times I've had to inform the others that we can't make it to the meeting. The Treasury has more or less given an ultimatum for this one."

"More, or less?"

"More, like very very more."

"Goddamit. Alright, what's after that?"

"Well, we… Hold on."

The Minister peered around his monitor curiously and saw Indigo's eyes widen. "Is something wrong?"

"Shit shit shit, Malcolm Tucker is coming up right now, he's in the elevator."

"Ooohh _fuck_. That's just what I needed. What did I do now to deserve a meeting from him?"

"You fucking bent over and arse-sprayed E. Coli all over the fucking kingdom that's what you did." The room suddenly gained a third member, a tall thin man with greying hair. His eyes bored holes into the Minister and a vein pulsed in his forehead. His North Saunus accent was strong and harsh.

"I what?" The minister leaned back in his chair and gaped. Indigo cringed away from the newcomer, fear in her dark eyes.

"Arse spray and mayhem, that's going to be your epitaph you useless sac of cum!" Malcolm's fist pounded down on the wooden desk and knocked over a pen-holder.

"Malcolm, what the hell did I do?" The minister racked his brain to try and remember what he had messed up. The only thing of importance that had happened over the weekend had been…

"Ah there is that little flame of realization. Smaller than a pilot light in a hurricane of piss, but I see it right there in your beady little eyes." Malcolm pointed a bony finger at the minister.

"Malcolm, whatever happened at the party was not my fault. How was I to know that the Head Councilman's wife was standing behind me?!"

Malcolm blinked. "What? No! You fucking two tittied cow fucker, you're so dense I'm surprised light doesn't fucking bend around you!"

The minister opened his mouth to reply but Malcolm raised his hand. "E-fucking-nough. If your next words are 'Oh I have such shit memory I can't remember my own mother's name' or anything along those lines I will shove those words so far up your rear they'll come out your mouth a second time, but they wouldn't be any more shit than they were the first time!"

The minister closed his mouth.

"Good. That right there was the smartest thing you've done in office so far. Have you read any newspapers recently?"

"I get the Daily Vale, but I haven't been able to read it so far."

Malcolm whipped around to Indigo with a smile. "Hi there Indigo. Would you be so kind as to pass me today's Daily Vale? Thank you so much." His smile dropped back into the depths of hell as he turned around and slammed the paper onto the desk, the headline big and easy to read.

 **Has the Minister of Education Finally Cracked?**

"The answer to that, from my point of view is a resounding 'yes'! What were you thinking cutting funding to fucking Beacon Academy?"

"We are in a time of peace, Malcolm, I talked to analysts and got approval from the Treasury; this funding is going to be used in…"

"Oh fucking look at the next Amity prize winner in Economics here everyone! Gather 'round, gather 'round and superglue your tight asses to your chairs because this is going to blow you away! Do please continue with your super plan, minister." Malcolm waved him on, a sarcastic look of curiosity plastered on his face.

"Well, reducing the number of students in each year by 10% would drastically save money on housing, supplies, transport, staff, food, among other expenses. This money would go into protecting our borders, continuing this period of peace and making Vale prosperous."

"Oh really? Is that what it looks like to you? Because what it looks like to someone like me who isn't an incredibly myopic twat is you're taking money away from a school that creates the defenders of this peace and funneling it into the private defense sector."

"Malcolm, Vale doesn't employ private def…"

"Are you mental? Do you think we have our own construction crews that patrol and repair the walls? This city doesn't have enough fucking government staff to run this kingdom properly! We have to settle for cunts like you, voted into office by the apathetic public who are being robbed blind by the criminals who walk freely in the streets. Did you not think to talk to the Home Office about this? We need more policemen walking the streets, making the public think the current government is half competent, not fucking braindead!"

Malcolm's face grew redder and redder as he continued shouting. The minister continued to shrink back into his chair, his happiness at his plan going through souring into sheer fear and regret. Indigo had left a bit ago, wisely choosing to move as far away as possible from Malcolm's wrath.

"Sooo, we axe it. We can tell the press that the plans were not meant to be released and were simply possibilities that were misinterpreted as an actual plan. We backpedal and just let this all go away."

Malcolm pulled Indigo's chair and plopped down into it. "Listen." His voice was low and soft. "This situation is giving me a _killer_ headache and I _hate_ it. And don't get too happy; I'm not talking about the fallout to your fuck ups, I'm talking about _you._ "

The minister shivered, dread crawling up his spine. _This was not good, not good at all…_

Malcolm slowly reached into his jacket and pulled a white, unmarked envelope out. He set it in front of the minister with a pen picked up off the desk.

"What's this?" The dread grew thicker and slimier.

"Your resignation letter. You're leaving before you're pushed, with dignity and honor."

"Malcolm, it was just one mistake, you can't…"

"I'm sorry, was that a 'you can't'? Did I hear that right? Am I getting old? Will I have to be put in with the fucking loonies in a nice tight white straitjacket? Did the fucking Minister for fucking _Education_ just question my abilities? How fucking _dare you._ "

"I…I'm not saying you can't Malcolm," the minister hurriedly backtracked. "I'm just saying that it was just one mistake, let me have another chance!"

"Listen, you've been in this job for 18 months. That's a long time! You've done some great things, like standardizing paper napkins in every school in Vale. That is some top tier political stuff right there. If you were less ugly I'd fucking blow ya, you know that?."

"Now you're just being an asshole Malcolm."

"Of _fucking_ course I'm being an asshole you gaping _twat_!" Malcolm threw his hands up in the air. "You're being pushed out of the plane that you've piloted into a nosedive in the middle of a _fucking_ tornado of shitty journalism and ill-thought plans! _You_ don't get to decide if you die, but rather _how_. I've written some _very_ nice things about you, but that all could go belly up for you in three shakes of a crying baby."

"So I have the choice between being shooting myself in the head, or you bludgeoning my brains out with your bare hands. Is that what you're saying?"

"The second smartest thing you've said in this office. This day is becoming pretty fucking historical."

"Malcolm, can this resignation please wait for a couple weeks? I have a policy that is in the works and is almost…" The minister cringed at his pitiful tone as he attempted to bargain with the devil himsef.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I've already told the media you offed yourself." Malcolm waved his hands dismissively at the minister.

" _You fucking what?!"_

"Don't raise your fucking voice at me; corpses don't make much noise and that's exactly what you are. The corpse of a man who fucked up so much he died of a broken cock."

"They make noise when you fuck them, Malcolm! All my fucking work, all of it just gone thanks to you." The minister was defeated now. He had known it from the start, but his mind didn't want to accept his fate.

"You're scheduled for the classic tear-lubed tit wank farewell during lunch. Be sure to arrive on time for your own funeral at least." Malcolm answered his ringing scroll and walked out. The now ex-Education Minister sat shell shocked in his office staring at the white envelope, while listening to Malcolm scream at another poor soul on his phone.

 _God damn that fucking wanker._ The minister thought as he signed his own obituary on the dotted line.

* * *

AN: Hey guys! I wanted to try out something different from my other story. I love The Thick of It and RWBY and tried to merge them. So what do you guys think? Is this something worth continuing? Did you guys find it funny? Please leave a review, it's quick and easy, and helps me write better.

And just in case you were wondering, I'm still writing The Inventor, don't worry about me abandoning that or anything. This is simply a side thing.


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